A Very Rare, Personal Post. . .

So those of you who know me know that I am a Christian. Not religious - not an "in your face" Christian" but you know that I love my Jesus and try my best to live a Christian life. Well, I had a powerful God moment that I really feel like sharing. I am usually a very private person in this regard and you won't see too many posts like this so. . .ENJOY!!!

I think I may have started with a little postpartum depression after Zach was born and let it spiral a little out of control. I didn't recognize that until yesterday. On Monday night I met a wonderful friend - Sheila - at Starbucks. Sheila is a friend that I get a chance to meet up with about once a year but a friend that I can talk nonstop with for hours on end when we get the chance. Sheila was in our wedding and someone who I love, love, love. We visited about life, kids, work, home, etc., etc. It was just a great time of visiting with a dear friend. I don't know if that had anything to do with my turning point but thought I'd throw that in there just because I felt like throwing it in there. Anyway, on with my story.

I have been feeling SOOO incredibly overwhelmed with keeping a clean house, playing with my kids, transcription, working one day a week at the hospital, cooking dinner, planning dinners, finding time to do fun things in life, laundry, being a wife, finding time for God (which I have conveniently managed to shove aside - the root of my problems), wanting to "play" at my mom's store but having no time, struggling with migraine headaches, mourning the fact that I just gave up nursing my last baby so I can take medication to try to prevent my 3-4 migraine headaches a week, wondering if we'll ever get the outside of our house painted or a yard in. . . Anyway, the list goes on and on but I'll stop. This list has been constantly replaying over and over and over in my head. I have been physically sweaty, clammy and shaky. I have had to struggle to make my voice sound happy when the phone rings. I have choked back tears when I talk to my family and friends so they won't worry about me. It has been bad. Very bad. I didn't know how bad until Monday night when I FINALLY let it all come pouring out to God. I got home from having coffee with Sheila and Ashley was snuggled up with Danny asleep in our bed. I moved her to her bed, got myself ready for bed and climbed in. Danny was snoring so I decided to sleep on the couch - which I haven't done since I was pregnant and uncomfortable. I got out there and couldn't sleep (which isn't anything unusual for me lately). I decided - finally - to pray. I had actually quit praying lately. I hadn't even felt like praying!! I let myself quit praying. YIKES! I can never let that happen again. Ever. That is so terrible, so sad, so unbelievable. When I started praying, I couldn't stop. I felt like God took over what I was praying and all I could say, over and over and over was "I can't do this." I don't know how many times I said it but I said it over and over with a very strong emphasis on the "I". I know it was God guiding my prayer. It was so powerful and felt so wonderful. It had been so long since I had felt God in my life like that. I then felt compelled to give God my family, my life, my schedule, my work, my finances - basically anything and everything that popped into my head.

By yesterday evening, the only way I could describe how I felt was like I had climbed out of a black hole and today I feel totally like myself. Anyway, it feels so good to be back. All I can say is I don't know how anyone can survive without God. It is a very sad, very lonely, very scary place to be. My few weeks of being incommunicado with Him were pretty much unbearable. I never want to be in that place again. Ever. Never.